


let me face my fears

by 1231pm



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Harley Keener & Peter Parker Friendship, Harley Keener-centric, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:01:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22662169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1231pm/pseuds/1231pm
Summary: this is a story about a boy who loves a boy who doesn’t love him back.take a guess who is who.—or, a story about growing pains, lifechanging indecisions, and running away.
Relationships: Harley Keener/Harry Osborn, One-sided Harley Keener/Peter Parker, One-sided Michelle Jones/Peter Parker
Comments: 7
Kudos: 20





	let me face my fears

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PeachyKeener](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeachyKeener/gifts).



> hello ! welcome to yet another unfinished fic that perhaps i'll finish if i ever use my brain cells ,, anyways, this was started literally more than a year ago (january 17, 2019), yikes . i hope u enjoy this fic !! this is a gift for peachy, bc they are my child, and i raised them on my own back !!!!! 
> 
> so again, this was written before abbie was accepted as the Harley Keener's Sister's Name, so usually my other works will have 'callie' the name i use for her, but bc (again) this is a gift for peachy, the sister's name will be abbie ! !!! so if u see the name 'callie' by accident , just kno this is unbeta'ed and i'm no thoughts, head empty ; enjoy !

**nulla.** _hey, how should i smile?_

* * *

maybe it starts like this.

maybe it starts with harley glancing over at peter at 3:49 am and feeling his heart stop when he sees the way the artificial light above them bounces on his frame. maybe it starts with harley’s heart skipping a beat when peter smiles at him, the sunshine in his eyes beaming at him. maybe it starts with peter holding harley’s hand, and harley never wanting to let go. maybe it’s harley taking a victory in making peter laugh, sound ringing in his ears like wind chimes.

or maybe none of these are the right starts.

maybe it’s better to go back further.

here’s some context.

* * *

harley keener moves to midtown high when tony takes him as an intern, and he meets peter parker on a tuesday afternoon.

peter parker stumbles into the lab when he’s with tony, with bright eyes and a sheepish grin, and harley feels his cheeks heat up to the point he has to look away. 

it’s that one moment where harley knows, things aren’t going to be the same ever again.

* * *

being in midtown is nothing like harley expected, the new york air makes his lungs hurt, the skyscrapers give him a headache, but the thing he expects the least is this. the last thing he expects is to meet sunshine reincarnated.

god, he's pathetic.

* * *

harley moves to midtown during the summer, and during that summer, he spends getting to know peter. spends time learning peter's favourite colour, his dreams, his aspirations. and with time, harley starts trusting peter, with his own dreams.

it's scary, he thinks, free-falling. it feels like he's skydiving every time he talks to peter, and his parachute isn't working. 

he tries hard to not get too close, but it's impossible when peter's smile is infectious, makes his heart pound. when peter is able to break down all of his defenses without even trying.

it's a lot to process.

* * *

harley meets ned leeds and michelle jones on a thursday when peter brings him along to meet the people he calls his best friends, and harley says yes, even though the thought of meeting people makes him antsy.

ned is funny, and harley can instantly see how peter and ned became friends. ned's a little energetic, a little rambly, but he's a pretty nice guy nonetheless. 

if ned is funny in the way that's a little corny, a little quirky, michelle is funny in the way that's dry, a little sardonic. harley thinks she's cool to be around, and they get along far easier than even peter expected. and by the first hour, both he and michelle end up ganging up on peter, teasing him, and by the second hour, michelle tells him to call her mj.

so, he gets two more friends and feels a little less alienated in a big city, and he feels just a little more at home.

they all hang out a lot more often after that, sometimes ned and mj even swing by the tower, and they'll all go to the labs and try to make something explode.

it's on a thursday, again, though, when harley looks over at peter, so incredibly drawn to him, as discreetly as he can manage ( which he thinks might not be discreet at all, but ned is too focused on the tech around them, and mj is too focused on talking to shuri on the monitor, the fucking princess of wakanda because _of course, tony knows the princess of wakanda, of course_ ), and...

and peter's looking over at mj, and he has a distinct look on his face, and harley pauses. 

( he doesn't know what that expression means. )

( but he will. )

it's not until ned nudges peter that peter seems to snap out of it and makes a dumb joke that nobody laughs at, but everyone groans at, and that weird look is gone, and things are back to normal.

hm.

* * *

this is a story about a boy who loves a boy who doesn’t love him back.

take a guess who is who.

* * *

**i.** _putting aside what i want to say now._

* * *

school comes by faster than harley thinks is allowed, and while harley likes learning ( _he does, he enjoys the hunt for knowledge, for learning more_ ), he still thinks school is a shitty institution that thrives at making kids feel awful about themselves.

being the new kid kind of sucks, but the paperwork to be the new kid sucks the most, he thinks. he has to call his mom nearly ten times in a week just to ask her about his health record. 

but actually going to school is surprisingly mundane, and he figures it's a lot better than high school in rose hill, if he's honest. 

most people ignore him, and harley prefers it that way; meanwhile, peter takes it upon himself to be his tour guide, tugging him around campus.

at some point, while showing him around, peter holds his wrist and makes his heart stop, and it's only until mj raises an eyebrow and points it out to them that harley realises peter's been holding his wrist for ten minutes. peter lets go, sheepish, and harley's arm goes limp by his side and has to tell himself it never meant anything anyway.

this was gonna be a long year.

* * *

the days pass oddly quickly, and before harley knows it, september is almost gone, and he's been in midtown for three months, but harley still feels like no time has passed at all.

it's a weird saturday morning when harley wakes up a little earlier, and tony's flipping through a big stack of papers — accords stuff, tony informs him, around a mouth full of waffles — and it's quiet, and harley sort of misses his mom and his sister more than usual, thinks about how much fun abbie would have here. 

"i have some pull at mit," tony tells him, casually, out of the blue, as if discussing the weather, peering up from his stack of papers. 

harley looks up abruptly at that, confusion on his features. he furrows his eyebrows before pointing out, "well, yeah, you went to mit."

"have you thought about it?"

harley feels like an idiot that he just isn't getting the train of the conversation. "... about mit?"

"well, you're gonna be applying this winter, right?" tony asks, slowly.

"oh," harley says, completely intelligently. recovering, "i mean... yeah. i'm gonna be applying."

tony nods, before going back to his paperwork, "i'll write you a letter of recommendation if you want it. or if you want rhodey too, that's okay."

harley's a little unused to this, having a serious conversation with tony — they weren't even serious when discussing him moving to new york — but he feels like this is different. and harley feels a bit blindsighted, has pushed the idea of university to the back of his mind because he didn't even think he'd be able to afford it.

but now...

now, he can, technically. that was part of the deal, tony had made with his mom. that tony would help pay for his university. it feels stressful, he thinks. to think of his future like this. to think of his future this way. because it was easy, back then, when all he had to worry about was a multibillionaire landing in his backyard and breaking into his shed. 

he feels off-kilter.

* * *

it’s been nearly four months of being in new york, and harley's kinda just... over it already.

the skyscrapers still make his head hurt, and the smog makes him cough too much, and the loud honks makes his eardrums sore, and it's on the third week of october that he's hit with waves of homesickness.

he wants to go home, wants to go back to fresh air and familiar faces. he wants to be able to stop by the diner and talk aimlessly with his mom, wants to go and watch abbie prepare for her next ice skating competition. he wants to go back to his small shed and scribble down blueprints, wants to work on his next model for his potato gun.

but instead, he's here, and it's overwhelming, he thinks, going to an elite school because before — before, he was the outsider for being too smart for his own good, and now he's here, just another kid in this school because everyone else is so further along than he is, everyone else is already working on college applications, compiling their volunteer experiences, their test scores, and he's here. 

just here. 

and he's so behind, and he feels like he can't even take a breath, and he wonders if the rest of his life will always feel like this. will always feel like he's fighting to catch up.

and maybe he was an outsider in rose hill, maybe he never did get any real friends there, but this stifling, clogging feeling that worms his way into his chest has never been this prevalent until now. 

this uncomfortable loneliness that has crawled its way inside and taken refuge and maybe it's always been there, but he doesn't remember it ever hurting this much.

being around people and still finding it in you to feel terrifyingly alone is... well. a terrifying feeling.

he kind of just wants all of this to stop already.

* * *

"harley, i can't believe you just did that."

"ned, you literally dared me to?" 

"it doesn't change the fact that you literally just sent flash ten boxes of pineapple and anchovy pizza!"

"well, believe it."

"alright, weeb," mj snorts as she leans back against the couch. 

harley rolls his eyes before shrugging, "so who goes next?"

"roll the dice," peter laughs, and shuri raises an eyebrow.

"is there a reason why we're using a dice instead of just using a bottle or something?" ned asks, curiously, but peter just makes a face.

"it's more fun this way," he frowns, but harley just snickers.

"you were just too lazy to grab a bottle, you mean," he points out.

peter's frown turns into a pout, and harley forces himself to look away, feels his chest pound slightly at the sight of it. instead, he looks back at the die before grabbing it, shaking it a good few times before tossing it up.

"three," harley reads off the dice, looking over at peter who groans a bit.

“again?” peter sighs, glumly, and ned just nudges him laughing.

“you’re the one who wanted the dice, dude,” ned teases, and peter covers his face with his hands embarrassed.

“can’t we change it? i’ve already gone three times as much as shuri!”

on the monitor, shuri laughs unsympathetically, “not my fault.”

“just go, loser,” mj rolls her eyes at peter, who ruffles his own hair in mild frustration.

“okay, okay, fine! i pick truth.”

harley just taps his finger on the dice, thoughtfully, before finally, “who do you like?”

“who said i like anyone?” peter says a bit too quickly, a light twinge of pink on his features.

“well,” ned snickers, “you’re blushing.”

peter's hands fly to his cheeks immediately, covering them as he speaks, muffled, “i choose dare!”

harley just raises an eyebrow, mercilessly, “i dare you to tell me who you like.”

peter whines, “that's not how it works!”

shuri just leans back in her chair, amusement dancing on her features, “you can't just choose dare after picking truth.” and then, in a dramatic but mildly accurate and extremely hilarious imitation of peter's voice, “ _that's not how it works!_ ”

mj rolls her eyes, “just go already.”

“no, i don't like anyone,” peter frowns, voice higher than normal, puffing his cheeks out in finality.

“huh. you want to be less obvious about that one?” mj teases, before finally. “toss him the dice, keener.”

the stress lining peter's shoulders droops, and harley acquiesces, dropping the dice into peter's waiting hand before tucking his knees to his chest, letting himself fall back into people watching for a while.

it's ned's turn, and everyone is protesting him to do the dare ( calling betty and asking if she wants to hang out, harley's brain helpfully supplies ) while ned tries to talk his way around it. 

it's when peter's face is still so pink, hands antsy as he pulls at a string on a throw pillow, that harley realises peter's taken thirteen, totally not discreet, glances at mj ( who is far too focused on trying to goad ned into doing the dare ) in the past several minutes of him staring at peter, and...

oh.

it's here when he realises.

( oh. that's what that expression meant. )

* * *

contrary to popular belief, finding out your crush likes someone else is... not as soul crushing as you'd expect. 

harley's life goes on, he keeps himself busy, he throws himself in building some small robots for abbie and mom back home, he makes some other gadgets for tony and rhodey and pepper and happy and peter, and it's good. he's useful, and he's getting relatively good grades. he has family meals on fridays, and he still laughs and makes jokes. 

he still hangs out with peter and ned and mj, and harley's able to forget everything about his new discovery. they still include him in things as if he's still a solid member of their friendship group. he still calls flash out on his shit whenever he harasses peter. 

and life goes on. 

and october passes, and harley works and studies, and sometimes, he can convince himself he's wrong.

he can convince himself that peter doesn't, in fact, have a crush on mj.

sometimes, he can convince himself that peter doesn't have an embarrassing and obvious crush on mj, but then.

but then, he'll see the way that peter's eyes light up like sunshine when mj talks to him, or the way that peter naturally draws himself towards mj sometimes.

he wonders if mj knows, if mj knows about peter's crush on her, and he thinks she has to. there's no way she can't possibly know when peter's far too obvious, and maybe she's just ignoring his crush on her to avoid hurting his feelings, but regardless, she never does anything, and peter surely never does anything, either, and harley wonders if that's it.

if he's resigned to just watch... this. to just watch peter pine over mj.

harley asks ned, about it, one day. tentatively. tries not to be too obvious about his own completely embarrassing crush, and ned just shrugs.

“it's easy,” ned says, sheepishly, “it's easy for peter to get crushes on people. and mj... she's just. cool, y'know?”

“peter's into her... because she's cool?” harley says, slowly, and ned shrinks a bit.

“okay, so maybe it's possibly a lot more than that...?” ned winces, “i dunno, man, he likes her though. i think mj knows, but i don't think she likes him back.”

harley nods, intelligibly, because yes, he figured that one. thinks that mj's type is more smartass wakandan princesses rather than spider boys with bad excuses.

“s'a shame,” ned continues, “peter's really good at liking people who don't like him back…”

at that, harley has to avoid flinching back like he's been slapped. after all, peter's not the only one good at that.

* * *

**ii.** i _want to stand on a path not on my map_.

* * *

the first week of november is over, and harley is in the library working when he hears two girls talking louder than they probably should in the library, but the librarian isn’t stopping them, and they aren’t actually bothering him, so he figures it’s not his business to tell them to be quiet.

instead, he throws himself into working on some blueprints, remembers the good ol’ days back home when he worked on some plans for robots, for potato guns. remembers when abbie would join him, saying she wanted to draw some blueprints too, but really only wasted his fancy paper and coloured pencils, and harley avoided complaining because she always beamed up at him with pride on her face at her ‘inventions’.

he’s sorting through all of his plans, old and new, when the music in his headphones cuts out, his playlist ending. he goes and tries to find a new playlist or podcast but then hears the end part of the girls’ conversation, even though he doesn’t really intend to.

“you really want to go to stanford? what about nyu?”

“i mean, it’s just a dream…”

“It’s just so far… hell, even mit would be closer, right?”

harley should stop listening, he knows, but… 

“yeah, but i don’t want to be close by.”

“what’s that supposed to mean?”

“it just means… oh, don’t look at me like that — c’mon, you know i don’t mean anything mean by that… it’s just. don’t you want to get out of here?”

okay, yeah, this conversation is too private for his ears, he really shouldn’t be listening. but in a way… harley gets it. what she’s saying makes sense. 

“and you think moving all the way across the country is far enough?”

“i just… i’m so tired of doing what everyone’s expecting from me, y’know? i stay here, and i live my entire life in new york like my parents and my grandparents, and what? i can’t even want to do engineering without people saying i should just go to mit when stanford has an acclaimed engineering program, too.”

“... sorry. i didn’t mean…”

“no, it’s not your fault, it’s just… i’m so tired of just getting by with what everyone thinks i should do. i want to start actually living the way i want to.”

“and moving to california is the way you want to live?”

“it’s worth a shot.”

“and what if you end up regretting it?”

there’s silence for a while, and harley thinks maybe that’s it and goes back to looking for a song to play in his headphones before he hears,

“then it’s my regret to shoulder. but at least it’s a regret resulting from a choice i made — not regretting the choices i didn’t make.”

he hears footsteps as both girls leave, but her words echo in harley’s head for the rest of the night.

harley wishes he had her courage.

* * *

so, earlier, harley lied. finding out your crush likes someone else is absolutely as soul crushing as you'd imagine it would be.

“i think you should just tell mj,” ned says, helpfully, but it's clearly not that helpful from the way peter whines a bit into his pillow.

“tell her, what?” peter's voice is muffled, but comes out clearly that it causes both ned and harley to sigh.

“tell her you like her, stupid,” harley says, trying to keep the bitter miserableness out of his voice.

“i can't.” peter says, extremely assured of himself, “i'm just going to deal with this crush until i inevitably die.”

first off, mood.

second off, 

“you're not gonna die,” harley says, patiently, and truly harley deserves an award for being the stupidest person alive. who helps their crush with their crush? him, apparently. “you really think mj will stop being your friend just because you have an embarrassing crush on her?”

peter finally, looks up at that, grouches, “yes.”

like this, peter doesn't feel like sunshine. peter's sunshine feels dull, sullen, and harley hates it. harley hates seeing peter this upset and distressed, and even if it hurts, he'd rather peter be happy and crushing on mj, than to be sad and crushing on mj.

“you'll be fine,” ned reassures, “no one's died from a broken heart before!”

peter makes an alarmed noise in the back of his throat that very clearly shows that he's not reassured in the slightest, and harley steps in again.

“look, mj's not gonna make fun of you for having a crush on her,” harley starts, but then...

everyone in the room just sighs, in unison, “yeah, she would.”

“but still. it's gonna be okay. you have an eighty percent chance of this all turning out okay. which to be fair, is more than the odds of you having become a superhero!” harley tries his hand at reassuring before finally, a little too honestly, “c'mon, you probably have a chance. who wouldn't like you?”

peter looks over at him, and harley's heart hurts. 

“you're funny and kind and smart when you're actually trying,” harley lists, trying to keep his voice light, before repeating, “who wouldn't like you?”

peter hugs a pillow, looking more vulnerable than harley's ever seen him, and harley only just now registers that, _oh yeah, ned's in the same room right now_ , when ned shuffles around the room to sit down. 

“really?” peter says, voice small, and harley nods.

“of course,” harley answers, truthfully.

peter goes quiet all of a sudden, before speaking softly, “thanks harley.”

harley just shakes his head, because there's nothing to be thanked for. he's kinda speechless, doesn't understand how peter is blind to his own goodness. “you deserve to be happy,” is what harley says, simply, matter-of-fact. 

it's the truth. it's harley's truth, it's the truth the same way the sky is blue, the grass is green, and peter deserves to be happy. peter deserves to be happy, to be radiant like sunshine, to be shine brightly always, and this is all wrong. peter shouldn't be sullen and sad. 

and maybe it'll hurt, but if mj makes peter happy then... 

well. 

harley thinks he can live with that. 

he'll have to.

* * *

“so.”

harley looks up to see peter looking at him curiously.

“so…?” harley repeats, trailing off as he shuffles through his papers. 

“do you want to work on applications together?”

“applications… for?”

peter looks confused, tentative, “for… mit?” 

oh yeah.

“oh,” harley says, like a genius, “right.”

“are... are you going to mit?” peter asks, hesitantly.

“y-yeah,” harley says, completely unconfident, but he straightens up and forces a smile, “yeah, i’m going.”

peter smiles back, still a tad unsure, but doesn’t push him on it. he just shuffles his papers and turns his computer over to him.

“so i was thinking…” peter starts, and harley raises an eyebrow.

“a penny for your thoughts?” he teases, gently, and peter laughs quietly.

“we should room together,” peter finishes, a hopeful look in his face. “we could room together,” he amends, continuing, “and take classes together, and it’d be fun.”  
  


harley blinks, in surprise, and feels his heart stutter a bit at the shining hope on peter’s features, and he can’t even begin to say no to him. doesn’t know how.

“sure,” harley agrees, easily, because it is, easy, to say yes to someone like peter. and just like that, peter beams, launching himself into a big discussion, talking about apartments and classes, and harley tries his best to focus on what he’s saying and not the way his eyes are bright and his smile is so soft, and harley thinks peter could ask him to go anywhere, and harley would follow him to the ends of the earth.

it’s only when ned and mj come over that the spell is broken, and harley feels bereft once more, lonely even in the face of his friends as he lets himself lean back into the distant. harley laughs at the right places, and he rolls his eyes at the right jokes. 

he doesn’t remember when he became this good at pretending things are okay, doesn’t think he ever was, but for some reason.

for some reason, no one’s calling his bluff.

* * *

harley doesn’t know how much of this he can take.

the thing is, is that now that harley knows peter likes mj, has known peter likes mj for months now, it’s just becoming normal for him. 

it’s just becoming normal for harley to feel the tiny ache of envy when peter laughs at mj’s jokes, at the way peter looks at mj when he thinks no one is paying attention to him. it’s just becoming normal for him to encourage peter to go for his feelings and ignore his own hypocrisy. 

and even when harley knows that he has no shot with peter, when it’s not even peter’s fault for not liking him back because _why would he?_ , it still hurts.

it’s getting harder to fake a smile and pretend it’s okay, but if anyone has noticed anything different, no one calls him out on it, and maybe he’s grateful for that.

and maybe he isn’t, maybe he’s angry that no one is seeing the difference in him, but he can’t blame them for that either, not when they’re peter’s friends first, and they don’t know him enough to _know_ him, but it only makes the loneliness rise as he realises that he’s just…

here.

he’s just here in this body among crowds of people, just one in all of a smog-filled city where no one knows anyone, and he’s just here.

harley doesn’t know what he did to doom himself to falling for someone so inevitably out of his league, someone so loving and kind and wonderfully unattainable. he doesn’t know how to even breathe in the face of sunshine reincarnated. he doesn’t know how to handle his heart being crushed.

( and some days, he forgets who’s the one crushing it. )

( peter? or himself? )

but no matter how much it hurts to see peter shining for mj, harley pushes away the bitterness that festers inside, tries to ignore the anger he feels at himself for not being enough.

peter likes mj.

and all harley can do is watch.

( is this really how life has to be? )

* * *

harley takes a deep breath before knocking on the door.

“come in,” he hears, and he opens the door to see pepper sitting there, focused on some paperwork. she looks up at him, with a gentle smile, and gestures to sit. he sits down on one of the plush seats in front of her as he waits for her to finish tidying up the papers on her desk before he's handing her paperwork of his own, for a couple of smart home ais he'd been working on.

“here're the forms you wanted me to fill out?” he trails off, as she flips through them before making a tiny hum of approval.

“this is all of it,” she agrees, warmly, “thank you, harley.”

“no problem,” he assures before getting ready to stand and leave before he spots a red flag on the wall, inspecting it closer, he sees it reads...

stanford.

huh.

“you went to stanford?” harley asks, curiously, as pepper swerves her chair to glance at her university flag.

“oh,” she laughs, nodding, “yes, i did. i got my bachelor's and master's degrees there.”

now it's his turn to emit a tiny, “oh,” before harley continues, “did you like it there?”

without hesitation, pepper says a very quick _yes_. elaborating, “i was the first in my family to go to university, and i got in through a scholarship... i had to leave home, didn’t know anyone, had to take up a couple of jobs to make tuition and an apartment and all, but — i can genuinely say i had a good time.”

“wasn't it lonely?” harley asks, softly, and pepper just smiles.

“maybe at first, but the loneliness didn't last much. being alone, however...” she admits, “being alone isn't a bad thing. i learned a lot about myself when i was alone. sometimes...”

“sometimes?”

“you need to be alone to grow,” she finishes, a bit distant, eyes slightly glazed as if lost in her memories. when pepper looks back at him, the far off expression is gone, but there's something pleasant in her expression, “there's something really peaceful when you're alone. you learn the most about yourself in that peace.”

harley goes quiet, before staring thoughtfully. pepper just lets him stare in silence, not pushing him. he breaks the pause, after a while.

“stanford's really far.”

she doesn't even blink, doesn't even ask him about it, but instead: “we'd all still be here, no matter where you are. you know that.”

harley is silent again, but pepper just turns back to her paperwork before continuing, nonchalantly, “if you need someone to write you a letter of recommendation...” she lifts her head up at that and smiles, letting him come to his conclusion.

harley finally smiles back at that, “thank you, pepper.”

* * *

“this is boring,” harley mutters as he flips through his papers, shuffling them as he stares at the assignment on the board:

_college essays due friday!_

ned just snickers before shrugging, “it could be worse?”

“we have to write them anyways,” peter laughs, and harley turns to him as peter raises his eyebrow.

“for mit, remember?”

at that, harley has to hide his flinch, “yeah. you're right.” after a beat of silence, he adds, “still boring though,” because it doesn't feel like enough.

peter just smiles before turning to mj.

it still doesn't feel like enough.

* * *

this is dumb.

why is he even looking all of this up?

harley sighs as he scrubs at his eyes, running a hand through his hair.

several tabs of stanford's engineering programs lay out in front of him as he clicks on the electrical engineering program. online question sites always talked about stanford's engineering program being good, maybe not as intensive as mit's, but...

stanford's engineering program is ranked as an amazing school, has high remarks...

and he finds himself wanting this. wanting whatever future could be found in uncertainty.

he wants to want something for himself.

he wants to find himself.

but does he want to be alone?

* * *

he’s sitting in the middle of his room, much later, when he calls his sister on impulse, a sudden wave of homesick hitting him ( he loves his family, he does, and he misses them more than he’d personally like to admit at the moment because he hasn’t sat down and called them properly in months ). he almost hangs up from losing his nerve, but she answers after the fifth ring, and it makes him freeze. 

“hey, brat,” he says, trying to sound upbeat, happy.

immediately, harley hears a static gasp on the line, and he distinctly thinks abbie must not have looked at the caller id, and it almost makes him smile because of how much he misses her and mom, almost makes him cringe at how long it’s been, but instead he hears her laugh and focuses on her voice instead, “hi, loser!”

abbie, who has always been too smart for her own good, too perceptive, can tell something’s wrong immediately, he knows and she knows he knows, so she doesn’t bother with small talk, with distasteful jokes, and instead jumps into the heavy questions.

“are you okay? it's been a while since you've called.” abbie says, quietly, and harley immediately feels bad, knows that that's on him, and he tells her so.

“i've just been really busy.” and it's not completely a lie, but it's not completely the truth, but regardless, he says it smoothly, keeps his voice even as he shifts to lie down on the ground, resting his head against the cool wood and stares at the ceiling. “i'm fine. just the pace of everything - it's all sort of getting to me.”

“harley,” she says after a long pause, “you sure you’re doing okay? honestly, you don’t have to lie to me —” and the hurt in her voice makes him shut his eyes pained.

“i’m okay,” he lies once more but amends himself after a beat, “i will be. i guess. i’m just not feeling so good, lately. the air quality, probably.” and because it still doesn’t feel like enough - will it ever? - he mumbles, “i’m glad i called you.”

his sister laughs once more, and he can hear her telling mom it’s him on the phone, “of course, loser. you know we love you and miss you so much, right?”

“i know. i know, i love you guys and miss you too.”

“and if you need anything,” she tells him fiercely, protectively, so much so that even as he wallows in self doubt and self hatred, he believes every word, “anything at all, you call me, okay? day or night, you call me, and i’ll answer because you’re my brother, and i want to make sure everything’s all good with you. you know that, right?”

“i—yeah, of course—” harley pauses, his heart heavy and his eyes burning as he tries to hold back his tears because he’s missed her more than he thought. “thank you. that means a lot.”

“of course. are you coming home anytime soon?”

“not for a while, abbie.”

he shuts his eyes at her soft sigh, this time, the noise picks up on static. “well,” she starts softly, “tell us when you plan to, okay? we miss you. you should bring the others here. you know mom wants to dote on them.” 

“i will, i... i actually had to ask you something.”

“what's wrong?” she asks, and he can hear her voice inching on worried, so he quickly makes an effort to squash her concerns.

“it's just. i'm just thinking about something.”

“what about?”

harley stops for a second, rubs a hand over his face as he thinks of how to word it before finally, “say there's something you want to do. but everyone else is thinking you're gonna do a different thing. and the different thing comes with no real risks... and you'll be content. but the thing you want to do... you have no idea how it'll turn out. would you still do it?”

abbie goes quiet for a few minutes before harley sighs, “that didn't make sense, did it?”

“no, no it made sense,” she assures, silent for a beat or two. finally, “i would do the thing i wanted to do.”

“even if it may not turn out the way you want?”

“even if,” abbie repeats, explaining, “if it was something i wanted to do... it's worth it. even if it doesn't turn out the way you plan, it's worth it to try, isn't it? if you want to do it, it's enough.”

harley goes silent, thoughtfully. 

it's worth it to try.

“thanks, abbie.”

“no problem.”

“i think... i think i gotta go.”

“okay, harley,” she replies soothingly, “sleep well. mom and i are proud of you, you know that.”

stray tears fall from his eyes without him being able to hold him back, and maybe he doesn’t want to, and he shuts his eyes closed again because he doesn’t know how much longer he can go like this.

“i know. i love you guys, goodnight bee,” he says quietly, voice cracking a bit, but hangs up before she can say anything, places his phone away from him and tugs a blanket from his bed, wrapping it around himself.

he had called her to make himself feel better, but he’s only left feeling depleted, left shaking and tired but his brain can’t shut down. 

he stays awake until he can’t remember falling asleep, the last thing he remembers is the dark blue of the sky turning a softer hue with red peeking out from the horizon.

* * *

he doesn't know about this.

but he's been staring at the application for hours now, having finished all the way through. and now...

now he just needs to press send.

he has both windows open. 

one for mit... 

and one for stanford.

he looks at both before he stares off. this is his future. 

if he goes to mit, everything will be set in stone. he'll watch as peter pines after mj and tell himself that so long as peter's happy, that's all that matters. he'll go to mit, and he'll probably do the same case study projects that tony did, probably do some projects that tony invented himself. he'll go to mit, and he'll be in a cycle, and it'll be easy.

if he goes to stanford, he will be going in completely blind. he'll be away from soft boys with sunshine smiles. he'll go to stanford, and he won't know what to expect. he'll live alone in a quiet apartment, he'll go to classes, and his fate is left to complete chance. he won't know what the next day will hold. he'll have the closest thing to a full restart that he'll ever know.

can he even do this?

he pauses, thinks to himself, before finally.

he wants to want something for himself.

he wants to find himself.

he can do this.

he clicks send.

* * *

**iii.** _i want to walk like it’s the first time._

* * *

and oddly enough... 

he really doesn't think about it for a while.

he turns in his assignments, takes tests, works on some solo projects.

during the break, harley makes a robot from one of his old blueprints piles, recognised it as one of abbie’s. the robot is a tiny little thing, small, shaped like bmo from adventure time. she doesn't really do much, but he connects her to his phone, and she reads him out emails and text messages and calls, so he thinks that's pretty cool.

besides that... she doesn't do much.

not much, aside from giggling and kicking her tiny legs while sitting up on a table while he builds, aside from kneading his arm for attention just so he can pat her smooth head, aside from pouting and crying when she sees him frowning at peter texting mj from across the room. not much.

but she smiles and giggles at harley, stares up at him with her little face monitor.

and that's enough, he thinks.

harley names her emotes ( electronic mainframe of the emotional spectrum ), and he thinks it's a clever and apt name for her, and when he tells her of her name, she chimes a sweet tune and hugs him, so he thinks she likes the name, too.

this could be enough, he thinks.

* * *

the confirmations for mit swing around, and tony stops harley in the hallway.

“so?”

“so…”

and that's when harley looks at the date, and thinks. oh. oh fuck.

“i didn't get in,” harley says, quietly, staring at his feet before looking up at tony who doesn't look surprised at all.

“i wouldn't think you would,” tony starts, slowly, and harley has to resist flinching until tony raises an eyebrow, continuing, “it'd be hard to be accepted when you didn't apply.”

harley winces, eyes a bit wide, and tony sighs, clasping his shoulder.

“i talked to the admissions office. they said you started the application but didn't turn it in, according to the electronic records,” tony explains.

immediately, harley starts, “i'm sorry, i didn't —”

tony shakes his head, “no.”

“no?”

“no,” tony repeats.

harley waits for tony to continue, and just as expected, tony explains some more.

“you have your reason, right? for not applying?”

harley nods, carefully, and tony gestures meaningfully.

“then don't be sorry.”

“really?” harley asks, meekly, because that's it? this is it? he's spent all this time worrying about how tony would react... and... this is it?

“really,” tony affirms, before sighing, “look, kiddo. it's your choice. this is your future. you're allowed to make your own choices.”

tony softens, then, giving a quirk of his lips, “besides. you're a good kid. i trust that whichever school you applied for isn't gonna be caltech.”

harley lets out a tiny huff of a laugh at that, “what if it _was_ caltech?”

tony pauses, “you wouldn't do that.”

harley snickers as he looks down at the ground before back to tony, “nah, i wouldn't.”

tony makes a tiny _'see'_ gesture with his hands, “there you go. as long as you're good with the choice you made, that's all that matters, harley.”

harley goes quiet before finally, “stanford.”

“hm?” tony looks over at him.

“i applied for stanford.”

tony, the man he's seen as a father figure for years, more of a dad to him than his own, just nods at that, approval on his features.

“pepper went to stanford,” tony points out, randomly, but harley can read between the lines. 

“she said that she had a nice time there,” harley shrugs with one shoulder before quietly, “said you guys'd be here for me from here.”

“she was right,” tony agrees, no hesitation in his voice. “all of us are gonna be rooting for you from here, kid. no doubt you're gonna get in.”

harley grins at that, “thanks, dad.”

and just like that, the sappiness of the moment is over, and tony groans. “thanks for that, no more feelings talk for another two weeks, got it?” he says, seriously.

harley laughs, his shoulders lighter, “you got it.”

he could do this.

* * *

“wait, you didn’t apply?”

actually, he couldn’t do this.

harley winces as he sees peter’s hurt face.

peter looks so confused, sad flickering on his features, and harley feels like an asshole, knows he should have eased this in better, told him sooner, but there were never the right words that he could find to tell him. 

all he can do, really, is just, “i’m sorry.”

peter frowns, sighing, shaking his head, “it’s okay,” even though it’s so clear that it’s not completely. regardless, harley doesn’t call him out on it, and peter just continues, hesitantly, “where did you apply?”

harley looks down at his hands, fidgeting a bit before admitting, quietly, “... stanford.”

peter flinches back but tries to mask it with a strangled smile, “that’s so far away…”

harley doesn’t know what to say, what there _is_ to say to fix things, but he just repeats, “sorry.” there’s really not much else he can say, he thinks. 

and to be fair, harley doesn’t think there’s anything he can say that will remedy this. and apart of harley isn’t even sorry at all, simply glad to have gotten the chance to make his own decision, free from what everyone else expected or wanted out of him. 

“it’s okay,” peter parrots back, shuffling around a bit before finally, “it’s just…” he trails off, inhaling before frowning, “i’ll miss you.”

the familiar pangs of ache hit him in waves, and another _sorry_ on the tip of his tongue, the readiness he feels to throw this half-baked plan away, knows just how he’d try to fix things the way that would make others happy ( _moving out with peter, rooming together, taking a gap year before starting mit the following year_ ), but then hates himself for thinking that. and it just all leaves harley so unsettled, so uncomfortable with the stifling realisation.

if before harley wasn’t clear that leaving was the right idea…

this is. 

this internal alarm of wanting to make peter happy in replace of something for himself… it’s not healthy. he thinks. 

he doesn’t know when he started to bend his wishes, his wants, his dreams, his aspirations to surround around peter’s existence.

he just thinks maybe that’s not enough.

but choosing what he wants, choosing his own path, his own do it yourself adventure, he thinks.

he thinks _this_ can be enough.

“i’ll miss you too,” he says, patiently, “but it’s not like i’m going away forever.”

“yeah. yeah, i know,” peter gives him that still strangled smile. 

* * *

**iv.** the _ocean not on my map isn’t far._

* * *

it’s april first.

harley’s prepared himself for the worst, really. he’s learned a long time ago not to keep his hopes up. but the familiar fear rises through his skin when he sees the email from stanford.

_your stanford admission decision_

( that’s not ominous at all. )

nothing prepares you for the day of, not exactly, not even simply knowing that today is the day that stanford has their acceptances prepares harley enough to know that this single email could tell him if all of this was the right thing, if this works…

“so?” 

abbie says, impatiently but excitement reflecting in her eyes, in the video call, and it startles harley who has to pretend his hands haven’t been shaking in the last ten minutes. his mom is with her, eyes soft as she reassures him, “it’s gonna be okay. we all believe in you and are here for you no matter what.”

tony, rhodey and pepper nod, from across the table, and harley feels a surge of something.

something like courage.

he clicks the email.

_april 1, 2019_

_stanford id: 531386017_

_dear charles keener,_

_congratulations! on behalf of the office of undergraduate admission, it is my pleasure to offer you admission to stanford’s class of 2023._

he got in.

“i got in.”

“what?!” abbie shrieks, voice tiny and shrill.

“i got in,” harley repeats, and the words don’t feel real in his ears, this doesn’t feel real at all, he can’t possibly have gotten in, is this —

abbie screams loudly on the voice call, and his mom’s crying happy tears, and tony is across the table instantly and ruffling his hair, and pepper is crying, too, and rhodey tells him there was no doubt he was gonna get in, and harley still can’t —

“i got in,” he says, again, and his voice breaks, and everything feels so heightened in this one moment that…

he made it.

he got in.

harley’s going to stanford.

he breathes, and the bitterness in his lungs recedes, the boulder on his shoulder lifts, and for one moment,

it’s more than he could have ever imagined.

* * *

“congrats,” peter says, quietly.

harley blinks, surprised, when he sees peter join him on the balcony. 

“thanks,” he replies, running a hand through his hair, some confetti coming off from where friday shot through a mini cannon earlier. uncertainly, he jokes, “you didn’t talk to me all night, have you been avoiding me?”

peter looks struck at that, looking down at his shoes, “sorry.”

harley goes to say _it’s fine_ , but peter just continues, “i was just… i don’t know,” he trails off meekly, before finally, “i’m gonna miss you.”

“i’ll miss you too,” and that’s not going to change, harley knows, it isn’t, not just because he’s moving all the way across the country, he will always miss peter, not just the peter who he developed feelings for, but for the peter who became one of his only friends. “but it’s not like… it’s not like the end of the world? we can still text and call and stuff.”

“i know,” peter sighs a bit, shrugging, “i dunno. i just… i guess it never occurred to me that this was actually happening, y’know?”

and harley gets it. he barely believes it himself.

“almost thought it was a really bad prank,” harley admits, trying to lighten the mood, “but apparently stanford’s just really set on april first as their acceptance date.”

peter lets out a tiny huffy laugh, “yeah.”

things go quiet once more, the only thing filling the silence is the chatter and music inside as well as the general noises of new york at night.

“don’t be a stranger?” peter asks, hesitantly.

harley smiles, “of course not. i’m going to california, not to the moon.”

peter smiles back, a flicker of something in his eyes, something beyond the artificial lights reflecting there. and quietly, so quietly that if harley hadn’t been listening for it, he wouldn’t have heard it — “i guess i’m just worried that things are gonna change.”

and for once, harley shrugs, “sometimes… change is good, y’know? it doesn’t always have to be bad.”

peter nods, “yeah. i guess so.”

the silence returns, and they stand there, for who knows how long. and the longing is still there. the candle harley holds for peter is still there. the feelings he tries to ignore. they’re still there.

it’s all still there.

but in the silence on that balcony, harley can feel something. something different shift. it’s not earth shattering. but it’s there. 

and maybe this isn’t the perfect ending. 

but maybe it’s because this isn’t the ending.

maybe... maybe it’s because this is the beginning.

* * *

******v.** _i want to meet a me i don’t know._

* * *

it’s a monday when harley moves into his new apartment.

it’s a decent size, he thinks, just a single bedroom, one bathroom, and a kitchen that opens towards the living room. 

it’s just big enough that having seven people help him move in isn’t one chaotic heap. emotes definitely thinks it’s big from her wide eyes as she zooms around the rooms, abbie giggling and chasing after her.

rhodey and tony are bantering in the corner, trying to find the closest shops nearby for lunch, while happy and peter agreed to carrying up the heavier parts of his luggage. pepper and his mom are getting along like a house on fire as they help him unpack his things.

they’ve been at it for hours, arriving early at seven am to his apartment complex, and when he had arrived, there had been plenty of others, there, too; people his age and older all settling into the new apartment floor. he’s grateful that he only has one neighbour, the apartment on his right being empty apparently. if he strains his ears, he can hear what sounds like acoustic music playing through the walls on his left.

he’s fixing up his room, hanging up polaroids, when he hears footsteps behind him.

“do you have to go away so soon?” peter asks, hesitantly.

harley turns, shrugging slightly, “i wanted to get to know the area before school.” it all seems so surreal to him, hasn’t sunken in yet, not really, that this is genuinely happening.

everything has felt like a fever dream, and he’s not sure where reality ends and his imagination begins, but peter just looks down, eyes a little lost. 

“it’s just… i thought we'd have more time together before you left."

harley winces, “i… well.” he wants to apologise, but how can he? when he’s not sorry, how can he stand here and act as if he didn’t mean to move in earlier when he’s been planning this for months even before school ended? he tucks a curl of hair behind his ear, hesitantly, “i just. i wanted to get used to the area.”

peter fidgets, “it’s happening really fast, is all.”

and for a moment, harley forgets about his feelings for peter, pushes them aside, looks at peter, really looks at him, and this is his best friend. the best friend he’s leaving behind because he made the mistake of falling for him, and that’s no one’s fault. not even his own. he sees that now. all the times he used to blame himself for putting himself in this situation, but falling in love wasn’t his fault, wasn’t his plan. maybe he’s not entirely blameless for all the actions he made afterwards, but it’s not like he can go back on it now. regardless, he can’t leave peter without trying to fix this, even if it’s barely considered much of a fix, he pushes aside his feelings, and takes on the role as harley keener, good friend extraordinaire. 

harley takes peter’s hands in his and squeezes them gently, reassuringly, “this isn’t going to change anything, okay? just because i’m all the way here in california, and you’re all the way across the country… that doesn’t mean we’re just gonna stop being friends, okay?”

peter opens his mouth to speak, but harley shakes his head, continuing, “i need you to know that. okay? you…” harley swallows a bit, before admitting, “you mean a lot to me. this move isn’t gonna ruin our friendship.”

and now that harley’s started, his voice picks up, desperation bleeding through, needing peter to understand. “we’ll still talk. we can talk on discord. i’ll see you over break. we’ll still be friends, we can make things work. just… i need to be here, okay? i need this.”

and finally, peter nods, timidly, “okay.” repeating himself, he nods a bit more confidently, “yeah. yeah, you’re right.”

with a tiny tug, peter pulls harley in, hugging him close, and harley lets himself relax into the hug, before moving away. 

it’s only later when he’s waving goodbye to everyone he holds close, when he’s sitting down on the tiny air mattress he brought because his apartment has yet to have an actual bed yet, when he’s flipping through an ikea magazine, that he feels the heaviness in his chest lifting. 

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to talk to me more abt my dumb mcu teens on tumblr ( @evanhnsn ) if u want .. ya


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